What about the social aspect?

Jan 28

There’s not enough room!

Lets talk about THE QUESTION-- the "what about the social aspect?" question.

I estimate (entirely unscientifically) that 100% of homeschooling parents who know another adult, family or acquaintance, who doesn’t themselves have homeschool experience as a student or parent, have been on the receiving end of THE QUESTION. Likely more than once.

How many homeschool parents know such an adult? I estimate... you guessed it: 100%

If you homeschool or plan to homeschool and haven’t been asked this yet, you can count on it that you will. Many times. About nearly as many times as your kids can expect adults to ask them where they go to school. Just as surely as your kids have come to anticipate an "oh, wow, so interesting! Do you like it?" You, their parent, can pretty much expect a follow up question that is some version of "what about socializing?"

I'm not sure why people feel it’s appropriate to ask parents who homeschool to defend their choice, but they do. Sure, we can tell them off for being presumptuous and rude. We can say "that’s not your concern" or something of that nature, and sometimes we do. But that’s more difficult to do when the questions come from close, well-meaning family.

If you homeschool and never felt defensive when questioned by family, we need to talk! I'd like to know your secret! I, myself, have felt the need to defend my choice many times. It’s also a pretty constant topic when I get together with other homeschool parents, so if you’re here because you’re having feelings about it, know that you’re not alone. We all know how it is: annoying at best, highly triggering at its worst, outright frustrating in general.

The socializing question in particular can be difficult to defend.

Why? Because socializing IS more difficult when you homeschool. You simply don’t have the opportunity to spend six to eight consecutive hours in the same space with the same group of 25 peers five days a week, unless you are in school. Even if you have a pod for your kids, chances are the pod doesn’t meet for those kinds of hours every week. It simply doesn’t happen.

For me, and maybe you too since you're still reading, the "what about socializing?" question has been particularly triggering. Why? Because socializing is MY weak point. I KNOW my kids' academics will thrive in my hands. I KNOW that emotionally they are doing way better than ever before. I know what I’m good at. And I know that making friends and mingling and being social is not my superpower. That’s where I falter, and the homeschool naysayers can smell it.

Some background:

When I first started homeschooling with David, we were in the lock-down period of the COVID pandemic, so I was gifted a bit of a grace period to figure this out. But by the end of the next year when my kids, now including little Sara, were still not in school, the questions started, and this question was my kryptonite. I would get into heated arguments, declaring things like "I know what I’m doing!" And "you are overstepping here! This is MY decision as his parent!" All the while, deep inside, I was second guessing all my choices and wondering if my children will live a lonely life all because of me. Was I really doing right by my kids, or was I turning my issues into their issues, and really putting them at a disadvantage that they will carry their whole lives?

Well, fast forward a few years. David's birthday is coming up and Salim and I are planning a birthday party for him. Every year it’s a pretty low key event with mostly just grandparents. But over the last few years he has been gradually expanding his circle of friends, one new friend at a time. As a result so have we, the grown-ups. As we were going over the guest list, we realized that for the first time, our little apartment is probably not large enough to accommodate this gathering. There's just not enough room. And THAT, friends, is not the kind of problem that people who struggle socially tend to have.

Who is the most surprised? Most likely, ME! Deep inside me the little skeptical voice that says I will never be able to create a sufficient social environment has never stopped its cynical attack. Even now, as I type, I hear it asking "what is sufficient, really?" But MY voice has never been more confident in answering back. I know we are on the right track, and, I'm proud of myself. The bottom line is, when I’m confident in my choices, I don’t get triggered so easily. Sufficient, you ask? I'll take your question, friend! It’s a good one, and I have a good answer for you! Sufficient, my self-deprecating cynical one, means we're happy, and growing. Sufficient means we're working at it, and its getting easier.

I still don’t know how we ever accomplished it. I know that it was a priority for us, and something I actively worked at and continue to work at, which probably has much to do with it. I know that the hours I spent trying to connect with people on homeschool discussion boards and events has something to do with it too. And l know our homeschool resource center which I found courtesy of facebook three years back has a lot to do with it. But most of all, I know that our old school and everyone that was in our network in the years before we started homeschooling have nothing to do with it. And that last piece, while it is nothing, is something too. We struggled socially in the traditional school setting. We were not happy with how it was, we were not growing, and it was not any kind of easy. When it came to the social aspect, school was not sufficient for us.

Socializing as a homeschool family is socializing like an adult, but with kids. It's a lot more work than it was when we were kids in school. Some of us are naturally better at it, and some of us will have to work even harder for it. But guess what? That’s equally true in traditional school. And you know what else? We didn’t choose homeschool because we thought it would be easier, and if you're homeschooling or seriously considering it, I'm willing to bet "easier" isn’t what’s driving you either. At the end of the day, like everything else in our homeschool experience, so it has been for socializing-- it just works better for us.

Just for fun— both my kids were in traditional school at one point. Wanna guess how many times we had the not enough room in our house problem before? I'll let you estimate 😉.

Also, this will probably be the first time in many years that I actually want to have a birthday party for myself. Though, probably not at home-- there’s not enough room!

And if there are homeschool haters in your life who don’t accept my “sufficient” approach and continue to berate all forms of homeschool socializing as inadequate, I ask: How sufficient is their social environment? Are they highly social adults? Did they become such extraordinary socialites because of their experiences in their school days? Are they happy, and growing, and actively making life easier?